Made of Gray

October Rain

Holly D Gray15 Comments
Today was another rainy day. I saw some report about our area already having 5 inches over the average. It feels like it has been raining for 2 months. I love rain, but it really can bring a person down. I need my vitamin D....bad.

We have had a quiet day and probably a little too quiet. It was one of those days that wasn't filled with appointments and places to be. So much so, that my brain seemed to take over and it turned into one of those days. The woe is me, why my child, will she, won't she, does she? kind of days.

I've had a hard time here recently. No particular reason really. I've been researching and reading about different tube weaning techniques and of course How to Get Your Kid to Walk Techniques. I've stopped checking in on the blogs that I normally read. Comparing kids isn't my thing right now. I haven't been writing heart felt, lay it all out kinda blog posts either. I've been holding it in. I probably should be writing more because it tends to help these feelings. I'm terrible about returning emails and comments too. I read them all, but have a hard time sitting down to write back. If you write or have written me in the past and I have failed to reply..... I'm sorry. Is there such a thing as guiltless blogging? If there is, I need to find it.....

As if we don't have anything else going on, for the past month Eric and I have been looking at houses. We put an offer in on one that we really liked, but the seller went with another offer. It just wasn't meant to be. The house hunting stressed me out. The idea of remodeling was too much. Will it work for Caleigh. Will Caleigh be in a wheelchair, what does the bathroom look like, are the doorways wide enough? It was one more added thing to put on our list. We have decided to take a break from looking and wait it out. Maybe in the spring we'll start again, but who knows? Our house is semi small, but most people would be happy to have what we have so I need to be more appreciative of it. I feel like a new house would bring new beginnings and I could leave some of the old behind us. I've pretty much convinced myself that Caleigh would do better in a new house and by better I mean crawl and walk due to the said new house. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself with this idea. Gosh, I really need to calm down. Deep breath.

I guess I just feel stuck. Blatantly stuck. Caleigh seems to be progressing, but there are still things missing. We have been working on her rolling from her back to belly for over a year now. She tries and tries and doesn't get past mid-line when throwing her arms over. She will pull herself over from mid-point, but all the way flat on her back and nothing happens. I've read about the kids that start rolling for transportation. Rolling throughout the house to get what they want. What if she doesn't do that? Caleigh will move all over the living room on her back. She pushes off of things and goes in circles. Movement nonetheless. I can't keep her on her belly because she immediately rolls onto her back. I put her on her stomach hundreds of times per day. How is she supposed to crawl if she won't stay on her belly? Caleigh still doesn't imitate sounds which is the first step in speaking, but she does make plenty of sounds that honestly Eric and I understand, but no one else does. Or maybe that's knowing
what your child needs? Probably the last one.

The list of things Caleigh can do continues to grow. The only problem is that the instant she accomplishes something new the excitement is short lived because there is always something else out there to perfect, learn and do. It's just a reminder of how hard Caleigh has to work to do something and how hard she will have to work to get to the next step. I hate that we feel this way. Hate it. Parents of kids with special needs are robbed of the standard milestone celebrations. Robbed of many things actually.

I've been going through a period where I want every piece of equipment possible for Caleigh. Only to find out that equipment doesn't always equal success. Most of the time it has meant a crowded house with not enough time in the day to use all of that equipment. I've decided to stop wanting these things unless they are necessary. I called and checked on the wheelchair and they are still waiting on insurance approval. Some days I just wish we had it and other days I wish we hadn't ordered it.

I've spent most of the day not really doing anything except just being Caleigh's mom. We really haven't worked on anything and I feel guilty about it. The guilt is strong and days like this are becoming more and more. We watch movies, read books, play with toys and take naps. I'm burned out. I'm tired of being the bad guy. I think the two year old is winning.

We have friends with children in the ICU right now. We have friends that have spent 2 years without their sweet baby boy. Life isn't fair at all. Life is about lessons. Life is about God. Some days as Caleigh's mom are tough. Most are filled with worry, tears, anger and an overwhelming ability to have continued optimism when the blocks are stacked against us. How is that possible? Then there are those days that she smiles at everything, makes wonderful noises, her beautiful blonde curls are rolled perfectly tight and everything seems to fall into place. Those are good days.

Wow, I really feel like a Debbie Downer tonight. I know this was a lot of rambling, but I already feel a little bit better just getting it out there.
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